Here's a late "Happy New Year" to everyone.

As usual, I worked New Year's Eve, but that's OK.  Don't mind it one bit. I figure I might as well do something constructive rather than going out and pouring gallons of booze down my gullet so the only thing I have to show for "ringing in the New Year" is puke stains on my shoes.

Never have been able to whip up excitement over a "new" year. I just don't get what all the hoopla is about. Sure the year is new, but nothing else ever is.

And this year seems to be especially non-exciting. Eh, ho hum, might be because ever old year that passes by reminds me of things that used to be and things that I'll miss.

  Like Saddam Hussein. Even though he was a murderous bastard who deserved to die, part of me is going to miss him. A whole lot of comedy gold went to hell with him up on those gallows. Such a shame! Oh Saddam, how will I go on without your insane courtroom rants about how you're still the President of Iraq ? Those used to put a little spark in my day, man! With you being the poster-boy of DENIAL I sure felt a lot better about the small stuff in my life I choose to ignore for at least "one more day".

I'm going to miss our pet rabbit, Gary, too. He went to bunny heaven a few days shy of Christmas. Won't miss his round bunny "presents" though. Ya know what'll wake your ass up better than the strongest cup O' coffee in the world, folks? Having a kid burst into your bedroom at 7 A.M. yelling, "MOMMY,COME QUICK! THE BUNNY'S NOT MOVING!" Who the fuck appointed me the official death-pronouncer of the family, that's what I'd like to know!?!? My husband, the lucky SOB, is NEVER home on the occasions when one of the pets decides to meet his Maker. What's up with that? How come I have to be the coroner, grief counselor, and mortician? Bleh! Anyway, Godspeed, Bunny Gary. I'm going to miss your hopping happiness and the way you used to always try to hump the cats.

Going to miss being thirty-something. Yeah, I've got until September to enjoy being "in my 30's" but I suppose I should start the mental preparation now. Holy freeholies, I don't know how to be 40! And what about the thirty-something blogrings I belong to? Will I have to leave them? I don't know what the proper Xanga etiquette is!

Mostly I think I'm going to miss being a person who has no gray hair. Oh, I've been founding one here, one there. Once upon a time I thought all the pissing and moaning about going gray had to do with the color itself. WRONGO! The grays aren't just a different color, they're a different texture and thickness too! They're all wirery like pubic hair! Great, just friggin' great! Now I know why the standard old lady hairstyle is bad poodle perm! Cause what else could ya possibly do with a head full of pubes, huh?!?!

Where the hell's my straightening iron?

So that's it for now. Off to put a deer roast in the crock pot and maybe pluck out a couple of the invading pubes off my scalp. It's a loosing battle. I think I'll blame the kids for 'em.

Midnight 

Gray hair care suggestions are welcome.

Why I haven't been around.................

Partly because my work hours are different than they used to be. Changing from day to night and back again is making me feel my age, man.

But mostly because my oldest daughter has an EX. A boy she dated for a couple of years but broke up with this past summer. A boy who has access to my Xanga. A boy who can't seem to get the fact THAT IT IS OOOOOVERRR through his thick skull! In light of that I shied away from blogging; not wanting the airing of dirty laundry to give the boy inspiration for spreading rumors about my daughter.

What a fool I've been! It apparently doesn't matter whether I vent some personal steam on Xanga or not. If the boy doesn't have real fodder for spreading rumors he'll just make shit up off the top of his pinhead.

Well go right ahead, The-Hat-Man. Joke's on you, because guess what....L and the rest of the family doesn't give a flying fuck what the people of this pissant town, or your pissant town for that matter, think about us. We don't give a rat's ass what the neighbors think. In fact, I so don't care what the public thinks about me that I'll give ya some rumor-spreading advice, Grasshopper.

Silly boy, if you're going to spread some gossip how 'bout doing a little logical research? For example, if you're going to tell everybody that my daughter is five months pregnant it might have made your story more believable if you found out what five month's worth of gestation looks like, DUHHHHHHHHHHH.

And please, telling everyone that L is dating a black dude. Yeah, so? He's black, big hairy ass deal. If you think that's a devastating blow your thinking is SOOOOOOOOO last century, even for our one-horse town.

Honestly, I'm so gosh darn disappointed. If there's going to be some scuttlebutt scattered about my family I'd like it to be a bit juicier! Like, oooooooh, here's a good one: tell everyone that I'm really a MAN! Yeah, that's it. Tell all that I, Midnight, am a man and my husband is my gay lover and L and her sisters are adopted. It'll be a gas to catch folks in this town trying to mentally size up my adam's apple in the checkout line at IGA! Hell, I'd even "adjust" myself just to add entertainment value for the spectators! Yup, telling everyone that L's "mother" is a man is a hell of a lot more creative than the oh so passe "Guess who's pregnant?" line. Geez, boy, if you're gonna lie make it a whopper. Otherwise you just end up looking like a retard.

I can't help but wonder, folks, if the reason this crap is happening is because my daughter's aren't following my advice. The number one relationship rule passed down to me by my mother, the rule passed down to her by her mother. Any woman with at least two neurons firing in her cranium knows the numero uno rule of romantic relationships is:

 YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!!!!!!!!!

No no no! BAD IDEA, it's not worth the trouble.

I'm not saying be mean and nasty. If you see the Ex in line at the gas station it's OK to be polite and chit chat about a neutral topic like the weather. However it's not OK to try and maintain a "friendship" with the person you once exchanged bodily fluids with. NOT OK to yak with them on the phone casually, NOT OK to go out with them as "friends" to a social gathering. Because at the very least you may be giving the boy the false hope that you might get back together. And at the very worst you're handing him tidbits on a silver platter to hurl in you're face later on. For corn's sake, what the fuck is wrong with the girls today?!?!? WHY for the love of pete do my daughters' and their friends think "being friends" with an ex is the natural order of things? Why, oh why don't they listen? If you break up with someone you have to get the point across that over means OVER!!!!! Breaking up with someone means breaking off contact with them, unless you absolutely have to deal with them. On those occasions be a polite acquaintance, not a friend.

Of course I'm not saying one can NEVER have a friendship with an ex. But good gravy---give it a couple of years before you try to ride that train! It takes at least that long for a man to get the hint that you don't "want" him anymore, geezusgodsaveusall! And yeah, there are some psychobitch females out there who can't seem to get a clue either. Either way you've got to break ties and move on and keep your fingers crossed the ex is mature enough to do so too.

And sure, if your ex and you have a child together that's a different can of worms. I'm simply talking about ending a dating relationship or a marriage with zero kiddos. For the sake of my blood pressure I'm not going to discuss dealing with the ex-who-is-your-baby's-daddy because my ex brother in law is a dead-beat prick of a father to my niece and nephew and I'd really like to see him have a horrible accident! Oy!

In summary, being friends or pals or buddies with the ex is like having Fred Fredburger's IQ with none of the charm. (If you don't know who Fred Fredburger is I feel sorry for ya! He's the dipshit ya can't help but love on "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy")

Ooooh ooooh ooooh, before I go I just wouldn't be being true to myself if I didn't post a stab to my daughter's ex and all the exes out there who don't get the not-so-subtle hint that over means over and out already!

If you think calling and driving by the house and spreading rumors and being a fucktard stalker is going to win his or her love for you back you might think you're Johnny Bravo cool...................................................

...........................ERRRRRRR!!!! WRONG! Think again, Grasshopper..............................................................

....................................you're merely as cool as Greg Brady. Get yourself a goat, they're easier to control than people, asswipe!

Midnight

EDIT: WARNING TO MY DAUGHTER'S EX---STOP DRIVING BY MY HOUSE!!!  WTF is your problem? You guys have been broke up for like what, nine months or so? You don't work at the bank or the funeral home on the corner, you don't work at the school down the street. So there's no fucking reason in hell for you to be "just passing by"! So help me, boy, don't make me get mamma bear on your ass! Just so you know, my husband went and talked to the police about your drivebys this morning. Oh sure, just happening to be driving by our house God only knows how many times a day isn't technically a crime, but it is downright sick and creepy! So the cops have been put on notice to watch you. Get over yourself, boy. Put a period on it and move on with your life already!      

SOME REALLY SCARY SHIT FOR HALLOWEEN..................

Getting a bad hair cut

not knowing when to update your hairstyle

The guys out there checking out your daughter

"Hey, goodlooking, be back to pick ya up later!"

People who dress their pets up for the holidays

The wayyyyyyyyyy too oh so HAPPY mo fos in the Valtrex ads

The possibility that dogs and cats will finally settle their differences, compare notes, and decide that human beings are not worthy of life.

AND.........................

This pair of underpants!!!!! WTF??? Being a woman I've just got to ask----Guys, if you had a hot date and finally got into her pants and saw Spongebob's shit-eating grin smiling back at ya, would THAT be a deal-breaker?  I'm guessing yes. Or maybe Spongebob panties are a go but Patrick Star panties are a "WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Of coarse you just gotta know I have to get political for the scariest, spookiest, most horrifying Halloween thought, don't ya. Yup, same old crap I keep saying. But here goes anyways. The scariest idea for my Halloween this year is knowing this dipshit is going to be in charge 'til January, 2009..........

Why, God? Why? Ugh.

                                                                                  Midnight

   Oh man, what's this world coming to ? First we find out we don't have nine planets anymore in the Solar System and now we have to deal with GAY REPUBLICANS !

Gay Republicans ?????? How does that work ? That makes as much sense as being an agoraphobic Jehovah's Witness !

And then there's always Iraq-nam to talk about. Sigh. I'm getting too old and tired to wade through that topic, at least not today. But so help me, the next time a fucking army recruiter calls my daughter I'm going to ask him if the Bush twins have signed up yet ! Have Barbara and Jenna caught the fever of "fighting for Iraqi 'freedom' "yet ? No ? Well go tell your Commander in Chief to leave my daughter alone ! If he's not willing to send his kids  over there he's sure as hell not going to get MINE.

Anywho, I'm feeling a bit too Kim Jong Mentally ill to be serious today. There's no time to be serious ! Look, October's more than half over now and ya know what that means............................

   Time to start 

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh shut up ! It is time for Christmas shopping ! Because I'd rather shove a Salad Shooter up my vagina than to get within a mile of the MALL during December, that's why ! Shit, and why the fuck did the friggin' font change on me? WTF? Damn you, Xanga, I still can't figure out how to navigate through all the fancy bells and whistles you keep adding! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!!!!!

Well, there's a new post here anyway. Doesn't make a lick of sense but nothing else does anymore either. Think I'll go shoot me an E. coli salad now.

Midnight

  Hey kids! This is Mr. Hat with GREAT NEWS! Pluto is no longer a planet!

Oh surrrrreeeee, your parents aren't going to be on board with that! But whatever you do don't listen to their logical arguements like, "Of course it's a planet: it's ROUND and it ORBITS the sun and it has a FREAKIN' MOON for cryin' out loud!" Oooooh, and don't fall for the "fact" that Pluto's elliptical orbit brings it closer to the sun than Neptune at times.

Don't listen to your parents, kids, because they are idiots. Hell, they still look for the Soviet Union when they look at a globe, don't they? Your Dad thinks "Blazing Saddles" is hilarious and your Mom turns up the radio whenever "Jesse's Girl" comes on and sings along! Shit, they probably still scratch their heads and drool while trying to figure out something as simple as "The Food Pyramid". Betcha they mumble something about "The Four Food Groups", huh? See,,,,,,,,,,,,they're going senile!

Your parents are WRONG and we, the educators, are RIGHT! Pluto's NOT a planet anymore and if you list it as such on your test you will get an "F"! You'll flunk out of school and your only career options will be crack ho, pimp, or White House Aide. So listen to US, not them!

Gawd, my parents are so stupid it gives me a migraine!

Midnight